(regarding seeing the resurrected Christ)
"...Last of all, I saw Him too, long after the others, as though I had been born almost too late for this. For I am the least worthy of all the apostles, and I shouldn't even be called an apostle at all after the way I treated the church of God. But whatever I am now it is all because God poured out such kindness and grace upon me - and not without results: for I have worked harder than all the other apostles, yet actually I wasn't doing it, but God working in me, to bless me. It makes no difference who worked the hardest, I or they; the important thing is that we preached the Gospel to you, and you believed it." 1 Corinthians 15:8-11 TLB
That's full of good stuff, but to start off, I began to think on what sort of man Saul became after his conversion. Repentant? No doubt! Imagine what it would have been like to be running alongside the disciples with a reputation like Saul had. One would surmise that it would foster a desire to prove one's self amongst the others. That Paul was just as sold-out and consecrated to Christ as they were. Perhaps there was even a step in the direction of increased works to prove this devotion to Jesus. And our Jesus, ever patient and kind, knew what Paul needed to feel as though he were a workman approved. He put the strength into Paul and the opportunities in front of him to work harder than all of the other apostles, and then the realization that he wasn't doing ANY of this by his own strength, but that God was working through him. What a gift for the Living God to give Paul! To use him mightily. After this, he must have felt worthy, and adequate, because the fruit was apparent. At this point, he may arrive at the conclusion that:
It makes no difference who worked the hardest, I or they; the important thing is that we preached the Gospel to you, and you believed it."
That's a HUGE deal - especially for me right now. I just want to be used of God in the way that I see those around me being used of God. I realize that lots of stuff needs to happen within me to make me a better vessel for Holy Spirit, but just trying to achieve greater works for the sake of comparison is way off. It only leads to misery, because God doesn't love us for our works, or however many hours we spend on administration, or out in the street. It's not like that. He will give the strength to each, and the opportunity to each to achieve their calling. THAT is the gift. To be able to see myself clearly - my REAL self, as in who I am in Christ - and realize that He is working within me to do mighty works for the Kingdom, that He considers me to be a workman approved! And then to quit comparing myself to the other disciples who have had different experiences and different equipping than me. God, grant it! And soon please!
Ruhani
