Seeing as most of you know who I am and the whole idea of the 'anonymous' blog has pretty much flown out the window, I assume that you all have been reading the ministry blog that I am a part of. Needless to say, today was a big day for warfare. One thing immediately after another, and sometimes multiple crises happening at once. By 10:00 tonight, I was standing in the middle of my kitchen - avoiding my front door and every sticky, chaotic situation going on outside of it. I hid. and I don't even care if people know it.
I mucked around a bit, and then put the pots on the stove to prepare a hot bath (the usual evening routine). I do that just to wash myself off of the dust of the day, whether it went on inside the house or outside. It's a good place for peace and quiet and I'm pretty much guaranteed some solitude.
Tonight, I just started saying His Name out loud. Jesus. Jesus. What else can you do? I don't even know how to pray this stuff out. I closed my eyes and looked for Him. He was there and He had a package for me. It was one of those cool envelopes that all four sides open from the middle out. It had come in the mail for me from Him. At first, I didn't know if I wanted it - I shied away. But, in faith, I knew that it wouldn't be harmful to me, whatever He had, so I asked Him for it.
Inside the package, was a picture of me surrounded by kids. There were lots. I was like 'No! There are too many and their lives are so painful and unfair. I can't handle the ones that you've given me now, how will I love any more?'
Then He showed me how. He showed me my heart. It was big. I was like, 'Jesus, i want that heart, but the installation is going to hurt.' He showed me that this package came by mail, which indicated to me that it would take a few days (Kingdom days, that is) to get to me. In the meantime, He would be stretching and enlarging my heart to hold them all. I was still worried about the process...He reminded me that when I grow in clothing sizes, it's gradual and takes place over time and then one day, the old clothes don't fit anymore and you receive new ones that fit you properly. The same with the heart. It will grow gradually and eventually I will outgrow what I've got and receive a larger size. That made me laugh. He said, I will give you new clothing, all plus-sized. Plus-sized humility, plus-sized wisdom, plus-sized understanding...and so on:
"Clothe yourselves therefore, as God's own chosen ones (His own picked representatives), [who are] purified and holy and well-beloved [by God Himself, by putting on behavior marked by] tenderhearted pity and mercy, kind feeling, a lowly opinion of yourselves, gentle ways, [and] patience [which is tireless and long-suffering, and has the power to endure whatever comes, with good temper]."
Colossians 3:12 Amplified Bible
Then I wept, because I wanted this great love that God had for me, so I agreed to let His will by done, even when it hurt, and trust that He's doing what He has set out to do in me.
Amen.
