I don't debate that there is much for me to be recording these days considering all the goings-on in my life, but I don't have time for that now. I do need to write about how I am feeling, even if it's just to get it outta me.
I was lying in bed just now, unable to sleep. It is 1:30 in the morning and Rob, Cory and I drove up to London, Ontario from Charlotte, North Caronlina today. I should be exhausted. I am. But I can't sleep. I was laying there and my head hurt (I did a great job whackin' it when I got in the van today, really hard, right across the top of my head) and yesterday in a meeting, a big ole snow globe fell off of a shelf above me randomly and hit me somewhere between my shoulder and my neck. The aching really started to kick in today and it seemed that as soon as I lay down, everything was buzzing in my ear and I felt just plain nauseous. Naturally, by this time Rob was already sleeping, or pretending to be asleep. No one to kiss goodnight or pray with or give a reassuring pat. I need that before I go to bed - definetely a thing from my childhood, but I don't care. I lay there feeling all disoriented and tired and sad. I couldn't help starting to cry. I thought of Lois. I still am thinking of her. When she died, and we were speaking of her to people, Rob would point out that we only remembered the good things about her and didn't talk about what she was really like. So I tried to remember her in fullness. I thought of lots of things about her that were hard to like. She wasn't easy to get to know, and she was even harder to live with. It was frustrating watching her die. And even after thinking through all of these things, Jesus took me to a place where I remembered how excited she was when Rob and I got engaged. She was absolutely thrilled. She would get so excited when she would pray for us, she would always sorta pick up speed in prayer and start waving her arms around and her voice would rise into a crescendo as she spoke of all that we would accomplish for the Kingdom as a team, and all the damage we would do in the demonic realm and all the people that we would love on and how much we would cherish each other, and on and on. Even when we got married, that day, she was just tickled throughout the whole ceremony and blessed us whenever she could get her hands on us. At the time, I chalked it up to a friend who was just happy for us.
These days, after months of pushing through difficult situations and marital issues(not always liking what I get), personal introspection (not liking what I see)it is so SO easy to feel discouraged overall. Will it ever get easier? Or maybe just less difficult?
So lying in bed, thinking of Lois and her fervent prayer, tears leaking out, I began to do something that I've never done since I got saved. I started to talk to Lois in prayer. I asked her to please pray for us, for our marriage, for our spiritual lives, and for God's will overall. I don't even think it's Scriptural and it felt oh so Catholic, but I felt reassured, after all, isn't Lois up there, seated next to Christ? Isn't she in worship right now before the King of Kings? Maybe with her flag? Isn't she surrounding us amongst a great cloud of witnesses? I know she's gotta be cheering us on. So I just want her to kick it up a notch for the next little while...to encourage us and pray for us in the spirit that she did while she was on earth, because I know I didn't appreciate it then like I would appreciate it now if I could have her arms around me, praying the way she loved to pray. I miss her.