While searching for some encouragement to lift my spirits amongst old emails, I came across this letter I sent to an esteemed mentor friend of mine. It fits for today, and even though I wrote it in April of 2003 it's still my process. I welcome insight!

let's talk about Luke 14:33.

"Simply put, if you're not willing to take what is dearest to you, whether plans or people, and kiss it good-bye, you can't be my disciple"

ok, now that's the Message translation, but you catch the drift eh? I really really like that verse.�What a struggle it is to be followers of Christ.� It's such a plunge, really.� In the beginning, it's like�as soon as we give ourselves over to God's control, that THAT is the biggest hurdle.�

Maybe it is.�

I certainly wasn't prepared for what would come afterwards.� The constant, daily�struggle��to GIVE OVER to God the stuff in my life that I HOLD DEAR.� The stuff that I cling to, the stuff that find pleasure in.�

Man, my sinful nature tears me apart!�

Dying daily to sin, well, THAT certainly wasn't brought up in the beginning, in the sr. soldier classes, in the personal testimonies.� Although, I wouldn't have grasped the magnitude of it, it even if it was...as in what that really means to die to sins and how it feels.�

Dying to sin...yeah.� But I am so prone to sinful behavior that when I deny it, I deny my self-gratification, which (especially in MY life) has had the rule of the roost for over 25 years.� It's HARD to deny myself!� It is actually physically painful at times!!� Emotionally excruciating!� It goes against MY NATURE!�

So now, I imagine a God SO HUGE, SO IMPORTANT, SO WORTH IT that I will actually go through�all of this physical�and emotional anguish of withdrawal from sin to be more pleasing to Him.�

hmm.

that's powerful stuff.

I wonder, what is this that I am striving for?� Is this what sanctification is? The act of becoming holy?

So I ran for my study tool,�this is from the Easton Bible dictionary definition on sanctification:

"The more holy a man is, the more humble, self-renouncing, self-abhorring, and the more sensitive to every sin he becomes, and the more closely he clings to Christ. The moral imperfections which cling to him he feels to be sins, which he laments and strives to overcome. Believers find that their life is a constant warfare, and they need to take the kingdom of heaven by storm, and watch while they pray."

I feel like my life is like that...a constant warfare between the woman that God is growing me into being, and what my sinful nature�wants me to indulge in.� The mere fact that my nature is in opposition to what God wants is something that I haven't really considered before.�

Y'know, God must realize how difficult it is for us to sacrifice in this way! I guess, Jesus obviously does.� He knows how hard it is, and yet He still asks for it.� Demands it.� I drives me nuts sometimes that little things that never would have bothered me about myself even a month ago feel dirty and loathsome to me all of sudden.� *sigh* that must be the first part - me becoming more self-renouncing and self-abhorring.� Sensitive to every sin.� It's frightening.� Soon, there won't be any of the original me left.

but that's God's plan.

wow. God certainly is wild and crazy.

Does it get easier?�
Does the desire to please God outgrow the�reluctance towards�gouging out sinful behaviour? �