I'm feeling just crummy. well...selfish and lazy would be more accurate.
I told stephen that I was pulling the plug on running TWC here this fall. After the way the summer has gone with having missioners here with us, I know I can't hack it for a full year with teaching as well. I can't handle it because I can't handle me - it's the space I'm in now. I can't do anything right and I hear about it all the time from others and foul spirits, and I hate that criticism so much that I've just stopped really doing anything and referring it all back to my husband.
I don't know quite what happened, or when it happened, but I know that I used to be someone who could just go and do it and whatever happened we would deal with it. Not perfect and asking questions, but still in a place where I was free and confident and okay with myself. Now I can't even make a simple decision because I'm afraid that I'm going to screw it up because I couldn't remember something, or missed taking a key point into consideration. I feel like a good for nothing lump.
So I decided (while in that mindspace) that I am not capable of leading anyone. And that I'm sick of people and their issues.
After i talked with Stephen though, and had some objective encouragement, I got to re-thinking...and then I read a news article that was written after a reporter came to spend time with us here in the neighbourhood and she had interviewed me and the stuff I was saying, I was like, yeah - that's me...where is that fire?
Have I put it out?
it used to be my favourite favourite verse - 1 Thess. 5:19 "Do not put out the Spirit's fire." before I even knew what that meant. And now I 've gone and done it.
Lack of discipline. Lack of implementation of truth and training.
Help me Lord to make right decisions at this time.