i am sitting on my couch. alone.

a dangerous place to be.

oh, it's not the couch - it's my headspace that's the problem. I'm just all abstruse (yes, i spend some time wandering around thesaurus.com for that one) as in, I don't understand myself, and can't put a finger on where I'm at. Which isn't a good sign because well, I live here. I have this soupy conglomeration of experiences and opinions and feelings and responses but it's like I'm at the Golden Corral buffet table and I'm looking at all of this stuff that's piled together and not only is it all unappetizing to me, but the smell of it is making me nauseous. I walk away shaking my head and thinking 'didn't I say to myself last time I was never coming here again?' (it smells like salmonella in there to me...)

Was that too conceptual?

I think that my bottom line is that I'm on sensory overload and having been living there for quite some time. I've been force-fed rules and policies and boundaries that don't belong to me, but now they are part of me and it's like they are intruders in my inner life. For the past two weeks I've had every intention of wearing flats on Sunday with my uni, but at the last minute my training kicks in and I slide into pumps instead. I hate that I do that. Why can't I be free?

Does that footwear battle seem wimpy in comparison to a world full of injustice just waiting to be challenged? I know it's small. But it's indicative.

so here I am on my couch. I confess, I'm under the weather so that's part of it, but I'll go further and tell you that I'm happy to be alone. No one is in my living room asking me for decisions on issues that i either don't know anything about (but my title ensures that I have the 'say-so' on what the answer is) or that are so fundamentally unrighteous that it's not a decision I want to make but rather an entire revolution on the issue the decision involves.

ah. obscurity in writing. how frustrating to be the reader of this post.

i thought i was going to get to love on all who came within my borders, and change the world with the Gospel. but instead everything is getting clogged up with stupid stuff - which probably isn't really stupid to other people, but it's consuming and I don't like it so it's stupid to me.

i'm on overload so my response? retreat. hide in my house, on my couch. frustrated and unfulfilled and confused. it's not the entirety of my existence right now - i've got other stuff cooking that is cool and all but this is the main dish on my plate and it concerns me.

where do I go from here?