hello all.
well, what a week it's been. I suppose it's been almost two since my last post. I had a God encounter 2 Saturdays ago that flipped my perspective in a good way, and I felt like i got back on track. Praise the Lord.

That's the thing though, about all of this spiritual life that we live - very rarely do I experience this instant deliverance when it comes to beliefs - I have experienced instant deliverance from behaviours, but the way I think and see myself and others and the world around me is more slo-mo. So these past several days have seen some serious combat. Mostly because I let seeds grow within me that were ungodly and now it's a matter of uprooting the tree that has been allowed to grow, the roots that have sunk deep and that have woven themselves through my memories and coloured my experiences.
As much as I rebuke those lies within myself, sometimes seeing victory by a mile, sometimes by the skin of my teeth and sometimes not at all...there is also the external influences. Demonic encounters designed to send me spiralling downward into a place of inadequacy, impotence and despair. Paralyzed to do anything for myself or others besides washing a few dishes and making the bed.

Such an occasion was planned for today. Location- finance office at the area command. Subject- tracking our ministry expenses. Which is one of my responsibilities - but I suck really really big, and am praying for good to send someone who has a mind for that stuff.
Anyways, it was all just a real bear. Bizarre flare-up from the finance guy that left ny husband and I in wonder.

We were able to talk about it afterward, and he pointed out the whole scheme as it played out was really an attack directed at me and my confidence level. I didn't burst into tears in the guy's office, so I felt that I had faired rather well. It opened a door for communication in my marriage relationship for me to talk about my paralysis in ministry. And for the first time in a long long time, we were able to reason it out with the Lord. I got to share and felt heard. He provided input and I received it. Afterward we celebrated with milkshakes.

Seriously, this working out of salvation for me, looks like working demonic strongholds out of my life. No easy feat. Yet, I guess that the next time this comes around, I'll be a little bit more prepared to deal with it, or at least recognize it. Which makes it a little more bearable.

I'm feeling just crummy. well...selfish and lazy would be more accurate.
I told stephen that I was pulling the plug on running TWC here this fall. After the way the summer has gone with having missioners here with us, I know I can't hack it for a full year with teaching as well. I can't handle it because I can't handle me - it's the space I'm in now. I can't do anything right and I hear about it all the time from others and foul spirits, and I hate that criticism so much that I've just stopped really doing anything and referring it all back to my husband.
I don't know quite what happened, or when it happened, but I know that I used to be someone who could just go and do it and whatever happened we would deal with it. Not perfect and asking questions, but still in a place where I was free and confident and okay with myself. Now I can't even make a simple decision because I'm afraid that I'm going to screw it up because I couldn't remember something, or missed taking a key point into consideration. I feel like a good for nothing lump.
So I decided (while in that mindspace) that I am not capable of leading anyone. And that I'm sick of people and their issues.
After i talked with Stephen though, and had some objective encouragement, I got to re-thinking...and then I read a news article that was written after a reporter came to spend time with us here in the neighbourhood and she had interviewed me and the stuff I was saying, I was like, yeah - that's me...where is that fire?
Have I put it out?
it used to be my favourite favourite verse - 1 Thess. 5:19 "Do not put out the Spirit's fire." before I even knew what that meant. And now I 've gone and done it.
Lack of discipline. Lack of implementation of truth and training.
Help me Lord to make right decisions at this time.