tumultuous -that fits my mental state
down - that describes my defenses
lazy - that describes my body
selfish - that defines my mindset..

So I'm starting up my pilgramage again just by walking.
walking away from home and towards the centre - anticipating Jesus all along the way..

I made a decision yesterday
I had a conversation
I prayed a prayer
I had a dream

and so to begin to clear out my mind, I walk.


Walking through my journal entries over the past year - what has God said? what have I heard? where am I at? where are we going?

read on...

I love you Lord - Old Orchard Beach was such a time of work for Your Kingdom!
I loved listening/looking at people to see the Word on/in them. Elaine really encouraged me in it, and You know a little encouragement can do a lot for me.

When I arrived here in the ATL airport, man was I full of joy! All of the black faces were so beautiful to me - having been rather scarce in Maine.
Every face I looked into, I saw something beautiful, it is your heart of love and adoration for an entire people group. You did that Dad, and I'm glad that you did.

Lord - i'm struggling with all this stuff inside of me. This weekend being with the girls, it was all awkward. I said things that Holy Spirit said specifically not to say, because of timing, but i said them anyway because I wanted a certain result. To control a situation and make my hurting friends "all better". So they would be able to grab onto the belt of truth as it's thrown out in love and walk out of where they are at.
Except it really didn't go that way at all.
Elaine's whole thing about us all coming here wounded is true. I feellike I'm pulled in directions of trying to share difficulties and make this about me so that i can receive prayer and healing and just have fun and not be heavy and serious and sharing what I'm learning and hearing to edify others and then speak truth into their lies and fix them. Or help them to detangle themselves. It's just that all those things tried to come out all at once this afternoon.
Not a pretty sight.
So much for putting off a good image - like I've got it all together...

I have a fear that we'll each fall to pieces and we won't be able to mend one another, even when we are together in person and people will just begin to slip away...and then what?
Why build a community in Charlotte when what was established in Vancouver 4 years ago has developed this way?
It's a humpty dumpty thing...
We sat on the wall
We had a great fall
All the king's horses, all the king's men
Couldn't put us together again

Only the KING can do that. God this is a cry from deep in me...soften and soothe our hearts so that we let you in to do your healing work...

Dusting off today in Old Orchard Beach was good in the sense that apparently I'm normal for feeling overwhelmed and I'm not weak or backslidden for taking time to stop and say "whoa Lord, I need to stop for a breath" that's good news.

Elaine also invoked the blessing for the new mother and prayed for an increase in love.

Hmm. I'm disliking this parent stuff so far. Kids (whether they are born naturally or are adopted in the Spirit) are rude, argumentative, unkind...difficult to handle. Especially as spiritual teenagers. I shudder to think at some of the ways that I've treated my spiritual parents. Now I am getting a taste for how that feels.

it stinks. I guess it's a good thing that Elaine prayed some more love and stuff into me cuz at the moment, I've little to give out in that department.

Anyways, back to the moment. It's amazing how peaceful I feel, not just hafter the dusting off (I had my hands and feet washed) but even in the stillness of this little hotel room, laptop playing chilled out music and no distractions. Home is not like this. Must I still get to this place at home? I don't know. Or, I don't know how...

Soon I'll be in Vancouver again...there's lots for me to look forward to in that. there's also lots of preparation for that. Not just for a class and a sermon, but fortification of my armour, a girding so that I will be a battlement there, not an opening or a diversion.

gird - prepare and strengthen onself for what is to come

battlement - parapet with gaps for firing from, forming part of a fortification

fortification/fortify - strengthen a place with defensive structures as protection against attack, invigorate or enlarge, strengthen with extra alcohol, make more nutritious by adding vitamins

I like that picture - my presence in the DTES being a fortification because the whole 'me' package brings a different flavour to the body - made more nutritous by the adding of a saint...forming a part of the kingdom fortification there, or re-asserting the position I had when I left.


Lord break me and remind me to want to prepare. I'm so easily distracted to other things. Especially housework because that has a definite beginning, end and immediate results, so it's satisfying. There's peace for me in that.

So onwards and upwards into study - which I actually really like but have been believing the lies of the devil and have convinced myself are tedious and boring. HA what a trip! I used to spend hours in The War Room with the lexicon and concordance and a bunch of different translations...

this morning Rob and I were worshipping together in a time of rations.

He's worshipping with guitar and singing and as always, is swept right into the Holy Presence. I've been more reluctant to jump into the flow, but instead am captivated bu all the photos on our wall. There's a lot of history there, even if it hasn't been years and years - so, recollecting people and places - the steps of the Carnegie, Street Church, re:Cre8, radio station cafe, that Indian restaurant in Tinseltown, Granville Street, the skytrain, the Empress, Heatley Residence, the Bottle Depot, Harbourlight, Homestead...

In considering all of that, and looking at Rob, I realized that he's sitting on top of a great pile of experience and accomplishment. He is a great man - not because of who he is, but for his obedience to the Lord and his willingness to walk through the hard places just to please God...yup, there's a lot under his belt.

And under mine too.

Then God brought this eye-opener:
How can the devil convince me that i am nothing, have nothing to offer and am doing nothing when I have already done many things?

No...I am the sum of more than the past 6 months, 9 months or 1 year. London, Vancouver, London, Charlotte and beyond..as the Lord calls.

"Jehovah is His Name - oh rejoice in His presence..." Ps. 68:4

'What a glorious Lord! He who daily bears our burdens also gives us our salvation. He frees us! He rescues us from death.." verse 19,20

"O God, you have done such mighty things for us..." v28b