i am sitting on my couch. alone.

a dangerous place to be.

oh, it's not the couch - it's my headspace that's the problem. I'm just all abstruse (yes, i spend some time wandering around thesaurus.com for that one) as in, I don't understand myself, and can't put a finger on where I'm at. Which isn't a good sign because well, I live here. I have this soupy conglomeration of experiences and opinions and feelings and responses but it's like I'm at the Golden Corral buffet table and I'm looking at all of this stuff that's piled together and not only is it all unappetizing to me, but the smell of it is making me nauseous. I walk away shaking my head and thinking 'didn't I say to myself last time I was never coming here again?' (it smells like salmonella in there to me...)

Was that too conceptual?

I think that my bottom line is that I'm on sensory overload and having been living there for quite some time. I've been force-fed rules and policies and boundaries that don't belong to me, but now they are part of me and it's like they are intruders in my inner life. For the past two weeks I've had every intention of wearing flats on Sunday with my uni, but at the last minute my training kicks in and I slide into pumps instead. I hate that I do that. Why can't I be free?

Does that footwear battle seem wimpy in comparison to a world full of injustice just waiting to be challenged? I know it's small. But it's indicative.

so here I am on my couch. I confess, I'm under the weather so that's part of it, but I'll go further and tell you that I'm happy to be alone. No one is in my living room asking me for decisions on issues that i either don't know anything about (but my title ensures that I have the 'say-so' on what the answer is) or that are so fundamentally unrighteous that it's not a decision I want to make but rather an entire revolution on the issue the decision involves.

ah. obscurity in writing. how frustrating to be the reader of this post.

i thought i was going to get to love on all who came within my borders, and change the world with the Gospel. but instead everything is getting clogged up with stupid stuff - which probably isn't really stupid to other people, but it's consuming and I don't like it so it's stupid to me.

i'm on overload so my response? retreat. hide in my house, on my couch. frustrated and unfulfilled and confused. it's not the entirety of my existence right now - i've got other stuff cooking that is cool and all but this is the main dish on my plate and it concerns me.

where do I go from here?

this blog has moved.
catch me if you can.

I'm reading Hosea these last couple of days. 2 passages have stuck out to me as significant/instructional for me at the moment:

"Plant the good seeds of righteouesness and you will reap a crop of My loe; Plow the hard ground of your hearts for now is the time to seek the Lord, that He may come and shower salvation upon you." Hosea 10:12

It's not an easy thing, that tilling the ground of my own heart...it's something that I naturally lean on the Lord to do by a Spirit of conviction, or others to do for me through accountability and observation. In what ways can I assume a more active role in this process? What does that look like?

The other Scripture is this:

"Oh come back to the Lord, live by the principles of love and justice, and always be expecting much from Him, your God." Hosea 12:6

(these are drawn from The Living Bible, by the way, I decided to go old school!)

So what are the principles of love and justice? I just thought about love God with everything you have, and love your neighbor, as well as the 1 John passage, to love with actions and in truth...the justice, I think of Micah 6 - be fair and just and merciful, and walk humbly with God.

And then, 'expect much from Him, your God." What do I expect from God in the first place? Mostly just that He'd keep me happy and safe. I rarely ask for what's coming, nations, perspective and so on. Just living in the now.

This entire mindset became garishly apparent to me these last weeks as I take on my husband in Monopoly. He wins every stinkin' time, and why? Because he is not just thinking of 'now' he's thinking of 5 rolls from now. 20 min. from now. Looking at what I'm doing, where Im going, what properties I'm collecting and trying to thwart those plans, while prospering his own. Yup. Every time. He says it's 'the anointing' and he can't help himself but to win, and I actually agree with him - his spiritual giftings and callings apostolically have pre-disposed him to win at games that involve strategy, risk-taking and long term thinking - like Monopoly, but it also emphasizes my lack of those traits...

*sigh* maybe I should start praying in that direction. Not so that I can become just like Rob and win against him, but so that I can increase my general awareness of what is going on around me and up my ante/involvement in my own life. That can't be a bad thing at all.
Or we could just buy a new boardgame...

Counting the cost..it's a big deal, eh?

Back in the summer, I went to be a part of the Old Orchard Beach brigade. It was a good time. It was good to be with close friends and to be dusted off. One of the words of wisdom that was shared with me, was on that very subject...counting the cost. I was in a place where I felt like God was stretching me just too thin and I wasn't okay with it - and I'm not talking about being 'out of my comfort zone' but more like, God, I've always trusted you, but right now, it's all just a bit too much. Slow down please, I need a break. I need to pause and catch my breath and check out my surroundings and get some perspective.

The word was just this...it's okay to be in that place of pause. It's not letting go of God, it's not turning my back on Him, disagreeing with Him or backsliding...its saying hold on a sec please!

that was very reassuring to me...because I didn't feel as though I was being disobedient, but my legalistic self, my logical mind got me going, saying that I didn't love God enough, and didn't trust Him enough. blahblah.

If this whole Christian life is about relationship, not just works and blind obedience alone, then why would I think that my God, as a responsible Father, would grab me by the hand and begin to drag me along, lecturing me and chewing me out the whole way because I'm not 'good' enough or 'quick' enough or 'instantaneously obedient' enough...if what I preach to others is true, than God can't be like that.

So I'm learning to allow yourself to withdraw to a quiet place of retreat with Jesus and let myself believe that He'll love me just as much if I quit all of this and went to work at McDonalds (not that there is anything wrong with that...but i think it's safe to say that it's my your calling) for the rest of my life. He would. Wouldn't He? :-)

Therefore, I wil not let my fear not control me...but think on Love. There is no fear in love [dread does not exist], but full-grown (complete, perfect) love turns fear out of doors and expels every trace of terror! For fear brings with it the thought of punishment...if what's holding me back from going deeper is the fear that I won't measure up and why bother asking for a second blessing if I'm never going to be able to maintain it (for example) then I'm missing the love factor.

Fear wants me to be afraid of God's punishment when I mess up, but I shouldn't be afraid in that place, because even there, it's all about love. To not lose courage and give up and faint when I am reproved or corrected by Him; For the Lord corrects and disciplines everyone whom He loves, and He punishes, even scourges, every son whom He accepts and welcomes to His heart and cherishes.

That's a pretty special place to be, eh? Welcomed into His heart? Cherished? Wow. When you have a disciple, you want to keep them on a narrow track of discipline so that they can be trained in the Lord's ways. You will be quick to rebuke anger, hate, racism, gossip, self-deprecation, cursing, lewd comments and so on, right? Over and over until they get out of those old habits and into new ones. In the same way, God the Holy Spirit will be all over me to convict me of old habits over and over and over so that He can usher in new ones. The end result is GREAT!

When I look around me at other disciples, it's apparents that everyone gets the same process. So I take heart in that. And then I look forward and set my face like flint and know that I will not be put to shame...

Recently I emailed a friend of mine with my tale of woe, and this was her lovely response...

A couple of days ago when Rob and I were doing some housecleaning, I put on an old newsboys cd of mine, that i had bought right after I met Jesus and was filled with Holy Spirit.? I was so excited! So light and happy! i felt sad, wondering, what happened?? I feel weighed down by responsibility and expectation and failure and strategy and things I don't understand that are just waiting to trip me up.

When we are first saved Jesus always woos us with those kind of feelings...it is the experience of new life! You still have that life but now Jesus shares His responsibilities with you. The trick is to get under the yoke that Jesus offers, it's easy and His burden is light! Roll them onto the Lord sis! I feel like your strategy just needs to be the beautiful Heather that you are.....that's what people are attracted to. Just love people into the Kingdom. Forget about the global world winning strategy and just win your little patch....you're already doing that! I... think it can be a burden if Jesus hasn't given it specifically to you. The great commission says "as you go, make disciples" so start there and Yahweh will let you know when to move on!

Praise the Lord for the wisdom of the saints...

Do you fast? Give me proof of it by your works.
If you see a poor man, take pity on him.
If you see a friend being honoured, do not envy her.

Do not let only your mouth fast,
but also the eye and the ear and the feet and the hands
and all the members of our bodies.

Let the hands fast, by being free of avarice.
Let the feet fast, by ceasing to run after sin.
Let the eyes fast, by discipling them not to glare at that which is sinful.
Let the ear fast, by not listening to evil talk and gossip.
Let the mouth fast from foul words and unjust criticism.

For what good is it if we abstain from birds and fishes, but bite and
devour our brothers and sisters?

May He who came to the world to save sinners, strengthen us to
complete the fast with humility, have mercy on us and save us."

St. John Crysostom

I see Your angels equipping these armies with mighty weapons of warfare.

I see troops of men and women in different ranks who are putting your weapons in their arsenal.

Let the anointing come now, Lord. Let the double portion of Your Holy Spirit come and touch us.

Let Your sons and daughters receive anointing and grace to fast and pray. And may the anointing...be imparted to those reading these words and praying this prayer right now.

I see this army marching, Lord.
We are marching to take the cities for Jesus!

We are marching to take the Lords' Name to every realm and to every corner of the earth - east, west, north, south. The Army of God is advancing and every demon must bow to the Name of Jesus as the anointed army comes with Your mighty weapons of warfare.

Lord God, we commit ourselves this day to use these weapons faithfully.
Lord, I pray that these pastors and leaders in Your army will see that they are generals in the army of God.
Place within them, Lord God, the divine wisdom they need to lead their portion of the army into victory.
Thank you for the total victory, Lord Jesus.

~excerpted from The Hidden Power of Prayer and Fasting, Mahesh Chavda

tumultuous -that fits my mental state
down - that describes my defenses
lazy - that describes my body
selfish - that defines my mindset..

So I'm starting up my pilgramage again just by walking.
walking away from home and towards the centre - anticipating Jesus all along the way..

I made a decision yesterday
I had a conversation
I prayed a prayer
I had a dream

and so to begin to clear out my mind, I walk.


Walking through my journal entries over the past year - what has God said? what have I heard? where am I at? where are we going?

read on...

I love you Lord - Old Orchard Beach was such a time of work for Your Kingdom!
I loved listening/looking at people to see the Word on/in them. Elaine really encouraged me in it, and You know a little encouragement can do a lot for me.

When I arrived here in the ATL airport, man was I full of joy! All of the black faces were so beautiful to me - having been rather scarce in Maine.
Every face I looked into, I saw something beautiful, it is your heart of love and adoration for an entire people group. You did that Dad, and I'm glad that you did.

Lord - i'm struggling with all this stuff inside of me. This weekend being with the girls, it was all awkward. I said things that Holy Spirit said specifically not to say, because of timing, but i said them anyway because I wanted a certain result. To control a situation and make my hurting friends "all better". So they would be able to grab onto the belt of truth as it's thrown out in love and walk out of where they are at.
Except it really didn't go that way at all.
Elaine's whole thing about us all coming here wounded is true. I feellike I'm pulled in directions of trying to share difficulties and make this about me so that i can receive prayer and healing and just have fun and not be heavy and serious and sharing what I'm learning and hearing to edify others and then speak truth into their lies and fix them. Or help them to detangle themselves. It's just that all those things tried to come out all at once this afternoon.
Not a pretty sight.
So much for putting off a good image - like I've got it all together...

I have a fear that we'll each fall to pieces and we won't be able to mend one another, even when we are together in person and people will just begin to slip away...and then what?
Why build a community in Charlotte when what was established in Vancouver 4 years ago has developed this way?
It's a humpty dumpty thing...
We sat on the wall
We had a great fall
All the king's horses, all the king's men
Couldn't put us together again

Only the KING can do that. God this is a cry from deep in me...soften and soothe our hearts so that we let you in to do your healing work...

Dusting off today in Old Orchard Beach was good in the sense that apparently I'm normal for feeling overwhelmed and I'm not weak or backslidden for taking time to stop and say "whoa Lord, I need to stop for a breath" that's good news.

Elaine also invoked the blessing for the new mother and prayed for an increase in love.

Hmm. I'm disliking this parent stuff so far. Kids (whether they are born naturally or are adopted in the Spirit) are rude, argumentative, unkind...difficult to handle. Especially as spiritual teenagers. I shudder to think at some of the ways that I've treated my spiritual parents. Now I am getting a taste for how that feels.

it stinks. I guess it's a good thing that Elaine prayed some more love and stuff into me cuz at the moment, I've little to give out in that department.

Anyways, back to the moment. It's amazing how peaceful I feel, not just hafter the dusting off (I had my hands and feet washed) but even in the stillness of this little hotel room, laptop playing chilled out music and no distractions. Home is not like this. Must I still get to this place at home? I don't know. Or, I don't know how...

Soon I'll be in Vancouver again...there's lots for me to look forward to in that. there's also lots of preparation for that. Not just for a class and a sermon, but fortification of my armour, a girding so that I will be a battlement there, not an opening or a diversion.

gird - prepare and strengthen onself for what is to come

battlement - parapet with gaps for firing from, forming part of a fortification

fortification/fortify - strengthen a place with defensive structures as protection against attack, invigorate or enlarge, strengthen with extra alcohol, make more nutritious by adding vitamins

I like that picture - my presence in the DTES being a fortification because the whole 'me' package brings a different flavour to the body - made more nutritous by the adding of a saint...forming a part of the kingdom fortification there, or re-asserting the position I had when I left.


Lord break me and remind me to want to prepare. I'm so easily distracted to other things. Especially housework because that has a definite beginning, end and immediate results, so it's satisfying. There's peace for me in that.

So onwards and upwards into study - which I actually really like but have been believing the lies of the devil and have convinced myself are tedious and boring. HA what a trip! I used to spend hours in The War Room with the lexicon and concordance and a bunch of different translations...